My mother suffered from severe depression. She never got help. Now she has dementia and sees herself as a victim, even though by any standard she had a good life. She is intolerable to be around.
My father was selfless, smart, and ethical. He was a wonderful provider not just to us, but also in protecting his colleagues. We paid the price for his unwavering standards by being forced to move repeatedly for new jobs. I never had a stable community, and being the new kid on the block always revealed the nasty boys destined to become nasty men.
Nasty has won out. The habitability of the planet has been breached. You're right, nobody is coming to save us. With rare exceptions, humans are simply dumb.
Yeah, alcoholic, pill popping, chain smoking mother dead at 47. Workaholic, reserved father who took her drunken accusations against me as gospel. He either used his hand or a belt to discipline me. I wasn't a rebellious, troublesome kid. I didn't smoke, drink, or touch drugs. Relatives who wouldn't listen who I later discovered were alcoholics too. Frequent moves as my father tried to keep us afloat by working insane hours in a dying industry. Always the new kid. You learn to survive. To pretend to be a submarine, deep and silent, which might escape notice.
Now, it looks like the darkness is winning, growing, metastatic. I'm an old man now. I'm grow weary of the recursive evil in the world. I strive to keep my little candle in the dark glowing.
I don't know if we deserve to survive, but i think in a drastically (possibly Neothilic) reduced version, and number.
I also ran silent and deep.
The longest I ever went to the same school district was my junior & senior years of high school. I attended school in 7 states in 13 different towns. Then joined the Army and continued the constant moving for another eight years.
But I've lived in my cabin in the woods for the last twenty years and there's only one of two ways that I'll ever leave. In a box or a bag.
We do deserve to survive. For all our flaws - we are just animals. Not in a bad way-just in an inescapable and illogical way. But we deserve life. Life is life. Does that makes sense?
A horrific, yet thoughtful (and paradoxically hopeful) essay. You are powerful in the right way with the right message.
“Just because nobody is coming to save you, that doesn’t mean you can’t try to help someone else. That’s the hardest lesson of all, to realize that nobody is coming to save you, but to keep that from turning you cynical.”
My familial dysfunctions and crises weren't as profound as yours, and I didn't cope like you did (I tried to die for awhile and rebelled against just about everything) but i feel every word of this essay all the same.
No more frying pan. We're in the fire now. Still so many folks who will be blindsided by physics and the ground truths.
All that's left is to try to be of help as the waves crash in.
Jessica, you have had far more than your share of mistreatment and unfair breaks. From what I see in all your writings, though, you are strong, with a top-notch set of values. I hope you take pride in that!
I recall my mother bashing her head against the wall when I did something wrong because 'she couldn't hurt me' so was hurting herself instead. I don't know how old I was but I recall running into the hall after her and screaming at her to stop. I don't know how many times it happened but I'm sure it wasn't a one off.
I think I had largely forgotten about it or blanked it out and it was only after she was murdered that memories like that started coming back and I really thought about it. It's a weird thing when you suddenly realize as an adult that your mother used to self harm in front of you as a way of punishing you. I'm not sure I've really been able to unpack what effect that must have had on me.
A well written confessional (by genre). There are, to this day, people that move hearts and minds - genuinely so. You are one.
That matters.
I haven’t a sincere belief that a passage through the darkness that envelops humanity exists. I do, however, have the courage to find out if one exists. You did.
I hear you on both ends of this. I have a sibling with schizophrenia … and 20 years ago, I rattled the cages on climate change as a former newspaper reporter. The result? End of my journalism career, but sadly, not the end of climate change.
I used to work with a lovely woman who had a schizophrenic son. Raul was sweet, smart, and funny when he took his meds but he was violent and belligerent when he didn't. Nobody was helping her either 😞 She tried to get him hospitalized for treatment but they kept refusing to do so.
So much truth shines through in your writing from your life experiences. How nice it would be to have someone or something to walk with us through traumas fires.
Ah yes, our schizophrenic moms with bipolar/narcissism/paranoid delusional thinking. What skills we have been inculcated with and still grew up (I say) 'skillful'. Critical thinking, if nothing else?
Considering Dad asked me (at 13) what to do and yours went passive may have made the difference. Because I told mine to institutionalize her (not in so many words), that verdict got back to her and pushed down everyone to the better path.
Your results are heard and followed. And, even if we have similar outcomes (water catchment and now aquaponics) I admire you more.
Well done indeed! So right. We do try to save others.
We must all strive to be the person we always needed.
It almost galls me to say it, misanthrope that I am, but we who see what is happening have to pull together. Imagine me, the proverbial grumpy old troll, going around the very rural and very red neighborhood I live in trying to build some community and allies. I'm by far the most prepared on the hill, but I know if I don't make allies they will all gang together and take what I've spent years (and lots of hard earned money) making. And everybody up here knows it, too. I'm willing to share as long as someone will work with me and not against me. I always help people, because that's the way I wish to be treated. I think I'm making slow progress with my neighbors. Very slow. Working with people in denial is hard.
Jessica mentioned The Parable of the Sower in one of her recent essays. I had never read. I think it can serve as a pretty good run down of how the system will break down and what people might do - for good or bad. If you haven’t read - you must. I actually did audible and it was pretty mesmerizing and intense. The follow on book equally as compelling.
Thank you for your moving story. I agree with your conclusions about our society. I’ve realized more after the last presidential election. It saddens me that this is the reality ( maybe it always was and I did not see it).
My father was a paranoid schizophrenic who tried to strangle my mother to death in our front hallway when I was four. And would fly into a rage and hurl dishes against the wall. And once tricked me into putting my arm in a vice in the basement. After my parents divorced, he would call me on the phone to tell me about the people putting radios in his teeth. Etc. This is not to say he had no good qualities, just that no one was taking care of me. I did that myself. My mother basically ignored me and my siblings. I avoided people, and built the job skills I have by myself, for myself. I understand the mindset of trying to be prepared for any contingency. Hyper-alertness is exhausting.
Wow Jess... really hard to imagine growing up like that...
I just finished watching this movie where this young woman who has tried to kill herself twice already.. finally breaks down and lets a little bit of her pain out.. so raw..
I am sorry this illness robbed you and your mother of a relationship and a life that most of us take for granted. Thank you for using your hard won skills to help others now. Xx
My mother suffered from severe depression. She never got help. Now she has dementia and sees herself as a victim, even though by any standard she had a good life. She is intolerable to be around.
My father was selfless, smart, and ethical. He was a wonderful provider not just to us, but also in protecting his colleagues. We paid the price for his unwavering standards by being forced to move repeatedly for new jobs. I never had a stable community, and being the new kid on the block always revealed the nasty boys destined to become nasty men.
Nasty has won out. The habitability of the planet has been breached. You're right, nobody is coming to save us. With rare exceptions, humans are simply dumb.
Yeah, alcoholic, pill popping, chain smoking mother dead at 47. Workaholic, reserved father who took her drunken accusations against me as gospel. He either used his hand or a belt to discipline me. I wasn't a rebellious, troublesome kid. I didn't smoke, drink, or touch drugs. Relatives who wouldn't listen who I later discovered were alcoholics too. Frequent moves as my father tried to keep us afloat by working insane hours in a dying industry. Always the new kid. You learn to survive. To pretend to be a submarine, deep and silent, which might escape notice.
Now, it looks like the darkness is winning, growing, metastatic. I'm an old man now. I'm grow weary of the recursive evil in the world. I strive to keep my little candle in the dark glowing.
Will we survive? Do we deserve to?
I don't know if we deserve to survive, but i think in a drastically (possibly Neothilic) reduced version, and number.
I also ran silent and deep.
The longest I ever went to the same school district was my junior & senior years of high school. I attended school in 7 states in 13 different towns. Then joined the Army and continued the constant moving for another eight years.
But I've lived in my cabin in the woods for the last twenty years and there's only one of two ways that I'll ever leave. In a box or a bag.
That is what I am trying to work towards. Fingers crossed.
We do deserve to survive. For all our flaws - we are just animals. Not in a bad way-just in an inescapable and illogical way. But we deserve life. Life is life. Does that makes sense?
It does.
We are so miraculous and yet such monsters. This indeed is a beautiful and horrifying ride.
A horrific, yet thoughtful (and paradoxically hopeful) essay. You are powerful in the right way with the right message.
“Just because nobody is coming to save you, that doesn’t mean you can’t try to help someone else. That’s the hardest lesson of all, to realize that nobody is coming to save you, but to keep that from turning you cynical.”
Keep being strong. Thank you.
My familial dysfunctions and crises weren't as profound as yours, and I didn't cope like you did (I tried to die for awhile and rebelled against just about everything) but i feel every word of this essay all the same.
No more frying pan. We're in the fire now. Still so many folks who will be blindsided by physics and the ground truths.
All that's left is to try to be of help as the waves crash in.
Jessica, you have had far more than your share of mistreatment and unfair breaks. From what I see in all your writings, though, you are strong, with a top-notch set of values. I hope you take pride in that!
I recall my mother bashing her head against the wall when I did something wrong because 'she couldn't hurt me' so was hurting herself instead. I don't know how old I was but I recall running into the hall after her and screaming at her to stop. I don't know how many times it happened but I'm sure it wasn't a one off.
I think I had largely forgotten about it or blanked it out and it was only after she was murdered that memories like that started coming back and I really thought about it. It's a weird thing when you suddenly realize as an adult that your mother used to self harm in front of you as a way of punishing you. I'm not sure I've really been able to unpack what effect that must have had on me.
I wish you peace, my friend. 💚
A well written confessional (by genre). There are, to this day, people that move hearts and minds - genuinely so. You are one.
That matters.
I haven’t a sincere belief that a passage through the darkness that envelops humanity exists. I do, however, have the courage to find out if one exists. You did.
Thanks for sharing it.
I hear you on both ends of this. I have a sibling with schizophrenia … and 20 years ago, I rattled the cages on climate change as a former newspaper reporter. The result? End of my journalism career, but sadly, not the end of climate change.
I used to work with a lovely woman who had a schizophrenic son. Raul was sweet, smart, and funny when he took his meds but he was violent and belligerent when he didn't. Nobody was helping her either 😞 She tried to get him hospitalized for treatment but they kept refusing to do so.
So much truth shines through in your writing from your life experiences. How nice it would be to have someone or something to walk with us through traumas fires.
Ah yes, our schizophrenic moms with bipolar/narcissism/paranoid delusional thinking. What skills we have been inculcated with and still grew up (I say) 'skillful'. Critical thinking, if nothing else?
Considering Dad asked me (at 13) what to do and yours went passive may have made the difference. Because I told mine to institutionalize her (not in so many words), that verdict got back to her and pushed down everyone to the better path.
Your results are heard and followed. And, even if we have similar outcomes (water catchment and now aquaponics) I admire you more.
Well done indeed! So right. We do try to save others.
As usual, another great writing Jessica. You always have a deep and sincere message.
We must all strive to be the person we always needed.
It almost galls me to say it, misanthrope that I am, but we who see what is happening have to pull together. Imagine me, the proverbial grumpy old troll, going around the very rural and very red neighborhood I live in trying to build some community and allies. I'm by far the most prepared on the hill, but I know if I don't make allies they will all gang together and take what I've spent years (and lots of hard earned money) making. And everybody up here knows it, too. I'm willing to share as long as someone will work with me and not against me. I always help people, because that's the way I wish to be treated. I think I'm making slow progress with my neighbors. Very slow. Working with people in denial is hard.
Jessica mentioned The Parable of the Sower in one of her recent essays. I had never read. I think it can serve as a pretty good run down of how the system will break down and what people might do - for good or bad. If you haven’t read - you must. I actually did audible and it was pretty mesmerizing and intense. The follow on book equally as compelling.
Thank you for your moving story. I agree with your conclusions about our society. I’ve realized more after the last presidential election. It saddens me that this is the reality ( maybe it always was and I did not see it).
I always look forward to your comments.
Thank you
My father was a paranoid schizophrenic who tried to strangle my mother to death in our front hallway when I was four. And would fly into a rage and hurl dishes against the wall. And once tricked me into putting my arm in a vice in the basement. After my parents divorced, he would call me on the phone to tell me about the people putting radios in his teeth. Etc. This is not to say he had no good qualities, just that no one was taking care of me. I did that myself. My mother basically ignored me and my siblings. I avoided people, and built the job skills I have by myself, for myself. I understand the mindset of trying to be prepared for any contingency. Hyper-alertness is exhausting.
Wow Jess... really hard to imagine growing up like that...
I just finished watching this movie where this young woman who has tried to kill herself twice already.. finally breaks down and lets a little bit of her pain out.. so raw..
if you want to watch https://youtu.be/41KzWdg2Y2M?si=Nl8tuUR8Cd5Ryd9S
I am sorry this illness robbed you and your mother of a relationship and a life that most of us take for granted. Thank you for using your hard won skills to help others now. Xx